Just incase you love somebody like me...

 

And yeah, what do I mean by that exactly? I am talking about something that I am not very proud, or at least I used to not be very proud to admit... This is for you incase you love somebody with anxiety, or maybe you have anxiety and you haven't found the words for it... I would say anxiety consumed a large part of my life - I can vividly remember not playing on the play ground as a child so I could watch to see if my mom dropped my brother off at preschool (which was in the same building), if I missed her or the bell rang early my mind would explode - did she forget, did they get in an accident, are they okay, is someone sick, and even "will I ever see them again?" I was a bright child, but so distracted to the point of awkwardness, I was bullied and misunderstood - but I was so worried about everything that I didn't even notice how isolated I made myself... As I grew up, I managed to control it, most of the time - there were still frantic moments, calls to mom, and sleepless nights...  Today I feel as though my anxiety is in check, but it is still that voice in the back of my head - sometimes quiet, sometimes loud - but always there... I have accepted it will always be there, and controlling it is key, even as an almost 30 year old adult, I feel misunderstood - and there are just a few things I wanted to try to put into words about loving somebody with anxiety....

Probably my #1 symptom - Exhaustion...

Imagine being in a hyper-tense state, with an unsettled mind, racing thoughts. I kinda relate it to a hectic day at work - sick patients, doctors barking orders, million phone calls, tons of tasks and at the end of the shift you are simply exhausted - that is what every day of anxiety feels like... I often joke that I am tired before I even get up - blame it on night shift, or having young kids, but deep down I know it is because my mind NEVER shuts up.

Really - I tried to listen....

Oh man, this has gotten me into so much trouble - forgetfulness... luckily I haven't lost my kids - but just about everything else has been lost at one point or another - keys, phones, pictures, money, bank cards, where I parked my car, I could really go on for hours, but you get the point ;) I can't tell you how many times I have forgotten a date, conversation or something someone told me. It can actually freak me out, because I honestly have no clue. I'm trying to listen and be present, but my overactive mind wanders.

The straw that broke my back...

If you love someone like me, we get easily overwhelmed - our minds are already in overdrive, add too many things to our to do list and even though the tasks are simple; it can spin us out of control... Even just when Dan walks in the door and he is talking loud, then turns the TV on and slams things down on the counter, just that can make my heart start to race - I know it seems silly, even as I type it I realize it sounds silly; but it is our reality. Don't even get me started on going to the mall during Christmas time - the lights, the rude people, the noise - oh man!

 

And we get it...

We know this is silly at times - we get it - its irrational.. and I don't need you to tell me I am being "irrational", I know it... enough said

Change, even good change is too much change...

New job, moving, even a new lipstick shade can be too much change - we love our comfort zone... thinking about vacation might actually be too much change for some people like me - but I can promise you, we are trying!

I'm here in person...

But I'm not always present - this was something that was so important for me to change, because I really wanted to learn how to be present in my girls lives... It's kinda like when you drive somewhere and you get to your location and you can't remember how you got there - sometimes I would go places, talk to people and come home and totally have no idea what we talked about, because I wasn't present... I was too busy overthinking or worrying... Sucks, right?

But thank you, thank you for loving us - we are not the easiest people to love... Overcoming daily
anxiety is one of my proudest accomplishments, I finally could live a little more... I do believe, exercise was my saving grace - the mental clarity I needed, the confidence I lacked, the me time I never had... Without a doubt fitness changed my life - the positive environment, fueling my body correctly and support of my coaches, peers, and now my challengers...

Maybe you are somebody like me, maybe you love somebody like me, or maybe you just think you would benefit from a healthy and fit lifestyle - my support groups are forming now, and I can't wait to see you there xo

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