My daughter Kate was born in late January of 2014. She was my miracle baby, the baby we hoped for for over a year. So when I had her, I expected to feel this deep connection, because I had longed for her all that time. But I didn’t have it. My friends would come and visit and say “I told you that you could love another baby like your first” and I would fake smile and nod, immediately sensing that something was wrong. Kate’s birth turned our world upside down. My 3.5 year old, Aubrey regressed - potty accidents, up all night, anger issues at school and behavior issues at home. Kate was difficult to nurse, resulting me having to take several rounds of antibiotics which she did not tolerate well. She stopped gaining weight, and ultimately I had to make the decision to stop nursing her. I felt like a failure. I would look in the mirror and say “what did I do?” and “I can’t do this.” Postpartum depression is a lonely, guilty place to be, I felt like I should be happy and I wanted to be - but I wasn’t.
I was never one to ask for help, so I just continued to go through the motions. But I started to feel myself spiraling out of control - isolating, having anxiety attacks, not sleeping… I felt like my skin was crawling. After many weeks of sleepless nights due to anxiety, I went into my medicine basket, looking for benadryl to help me sleep when I stumbled upon the prescription narcotic pain reliever I was given after birth but never took. Being a nurse, I knew they would help me sleep. So I popped a few, and slept amazingly. The next day, I felt a little better - so I popped a few more at night. And I did this night after night…. I was talking to my friend, and I told her about my situation and that i was so relieved to be finally sleeping thanks to my little secret. My friend, Deb said “you know this isn’t normal. promise me you will get help.” Her words really spoke to me, and I decided I needed to see my PCP.
I went to my doctor and we discussed the anxiety, depression and he never brought up my weight. But I could see on my chart that my BMI was 33. I was disguisted. I told him I felt like I needed to lose weight and that it would really help. He turned to me and said, “well good luck - you are not a spring chicken anymore and you have hypothroidism.” I was devistated - not even my dr believed in me! I left there feeling helpless and alone. I was the girl who seemed unbreakable but I was broken. Everyone thought I was super mom with this perfect life, but every ounce of me was hurting.
The moment that changed everything… Aubrey was at preschool and I needed a dress for an upcoming event. In the dressing room, there was an angled full length mirror and while I was undressing I caught a glimpse of myself. All I could think is, “this can’t be” - I broke down and with tears streaming down my face, I studied my body… the stretch marks, the dark circles, the cellulite, double chin… and I said “you are disgusting, ugly and fat. I hate you” and I continued to sob. I ended up waking Kate up, who was in her car seat. In the refelction of the mirror I could see her playing with her car seat toys and cooing. My flood of emotion quickly changed to anxiety - I realized I was killing myself in front of them. They were watching me self hate, self destruct and destroy myself every day. How could I teach them to be confident, vibrant, independent, happy girls when I couldn’t be? Finally, my Ah-Ha moment - I needed a hero, and I was going to be that hero.
I collected myself, the whole way home I thought about how I would do this. Couldn’t go to a gym, too much time, no babysitter. Couldn’t run, lets face it Pittsburgh weather combined with two young kids - it would never last.
My husband, got me in contact with my coach, Deidra. With knowing very little about the program, I went with T25 - because I could do anything for 25 minutes! But honestly when I got the price of the challenge pack - I quickly backed out… but i thought about it constantly, until one day I thought “screw it, im not going to let 200$ get in the way of changing my life.” So I stole my husbands credit card and joined my first challenge.
And so it began, I cried every workout because I knew how hard it was going to be. But I did it with the mindset that each day I would eat cleaner, modify less and push harder. I embraced my challenge group and shakeology. And as I invested in my wellness the weight, anxiety, and depression all started melting away. And as I shared my journey, I accidently fell into coaching. When I realized how many women probably felt like me, I continued my journey but now with a new motivation of helping others along the way and being accountable to them.
It wasn’t always easy, but it was a way of life. As I looked in the mirror, I no longer felt ugly and disguisted - I started to feel proud and honored. After losing 30 pounds in 60 days with T25, I went on to do the 21 Day Fix, insanity max 30, a little more T25 and the 21 Day Fix extreme with a sprinkle of turbo fire, piyo and pump.
Today, I am 8 pounds lighter than the day I got married and went from having a BMI of 33 to a BMI of 21! Which is pretty cool. But what is the best part of this whole journey is that my girls got their mom back and the role model they deserve. I went from taking 13 pills a day to just one. And my thyroid medication has not needed adjusted since I started this journey. I have been anti-anxiety and depression med free for 10 months. So yes, I lost 75 pounds and that is great but regaining my life is priceless and unbelievable. Without a doubt this journey changed the future of these girls and because of that, I am forever thankful.
So now I feel this is my mission to turn my mess into my message - all of the pain has brought me to this pivotal moment and a new passion to share my story - to inspire women that there is no situation that is too hopeless... my dream is to have a larger platform to inspire change and with the Beachbody Challenge, I have it! But I need your help to get me to LA to tell my story, I need your votes! From Monday October 26th to Monday November 2nd at 11:59 PT you can vote once in 24 hours! All you need to do is create a free account (HERE!) and then vote (HERE! for Erin T.) - please email me and let me know that you voted so I can personally thank you and offer you a spot in my 5 Day Free Clean Eating group to thank you for your support!
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